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Sunday, September 3, 2023


Going back to work ruined everything.

There was something about being too sick to focus on anything, resulting in me having nothing to do but "think" for about five days straight.

It's like after a period of thinking, my thoughts became clear. Especially after that first night when I couldn't sleep and I was up for 24 hours straight. The first 12-16 hours were garbage thoughts mostly, white noise that didn't amount to much. But then after that it was like the noise had cleared up and I was able to really think about things.

When I went back to work and had to spend an entire workday focused on shit I don't care about, I found that my thoughts really got muddled.

I realized that when I'm forced to focus on work, then the time I spend not working is either spent thinking about work or decidedly not thinking about work but taking part in some kind of a leisure activity that uses up my brain in a different way.

When I was sick, I didn't have the energy or focus to dedicate to a leisure activity (e.g., reading, playing games, watching stuff) so instead, I spent it thinking.

And it was the best thing for me.

Right now I don't have the energy or focus to think that way. I feel like my time is crunched because any day now I'll have to go back to work.

Instead I want to spend time doing things that comfort me. I need to be comforted, so I spend time comforting myself.

It does feel like a bit of a setback. I felt like I was making real progress before, working through some heavy shit.

Now I'm just trying to survive again.

What is comforting me right now: watching Breaking Bad, playing Night in the Woods, messing around with astrology/birth chart stuff, eagerly anticipating cozy autumn season.